I have been thinking about a conversation Brett and I had yesterday. It started out with a question of, are you happy with our relationship? We both agreed we are not – not that it is bad it just isn’t where either one of us wants it to be. Neither one of us have put it as priority lately. We have let too many other things get in the way and taken priority instead. We agreed to work on that.
Then we talked about our own personal relationships with God. We agreed those are not where we want them to be either, but we have different views on that. Mine isn’t where I want it to be so I feel guilty. My answer I need to “do” more. I need to do more to appease my guilt. I don’t feel I need to do more to make God love me again. I don’t feel like he doesn’t love me. I just feel guilty I am not doing my “part”. I feel guilty, Brett doesn’t, or does but isn’t motivated by that guilt.
I asked Brett how he could not feel guilty. His answer was something along the line of, feeling guilty means Jesus dying on the cross means nothing (ouch). The thing is he doesn’t feel guilt or shame he just accepts God’s grace. I feel there must be some medium in there somewhere.
I often struggle with these two things in my life. I struggle with seeing myself as a horrible sinner instead of someone God sees as righteous, because of Jesus blood on the cross. I also struggle with combining the God of the old testament, with the God of the new. The God in the old testament told the Isralites when you take over a town annilate everyone there, even women and children. So that you will not start worshipping their Gods. That God also wiped out whole families for something a husband/father did wrong. That God is the same God who sent his son to die on the cross for me.
The old testament is full of violence and gore where sin is concerned. Annihilation and sacrifice were gruesome, bloody, gory things. But, so was the cross-it was violent, gruesome and full of gore. The difference in the old testament, it had to keep happening to atone for sin. Jesus death was full and final atonement for all sin.
So, when I put other things ahead of God and don’t read – Jesus blood covered that. When I get mad at work and lose my temper – Jesus blood covers that. When people don’t live up the my expectations and I get angry with them – Jesus blood covered that. When I get jealous and bitter – Jesus blood already covers that. My part, confess, move on, and do my best not to do it again. My part is so easy, that it’s hard for me to accept that is all I have to do. Thank you God for giving me the easy part.