I have been in a slump lately. A slump I just have not been able to pull myself out of. I have tried. I have said today I am going to wake up and do better. I am going to be happy. I am going to chose to not let things get under my skin or bother me. And I make it part way into the day but something always happens to put me back in the cycle of unhappiness, anger, hurt, ungratefulness, miserable really. Not someone I want to be, or someone I like. Which makes me feel even worse. Maybe even bordering on depression, just slightly, but for no apparent reason.
This weekend was our annual get away with our kids and grand kids for a couple of nights. We went to St. Louis and spent Friday and Saturday night. We rented a house on the Hill, and enjoyed great Italian food. We went to Grant’s Farm Saturday and had a good weekend. We even ran into some old St Louis friends Saturday night when we went out to eat. Great seeing the Womble’s. A wonderful and blessed weekend, yet still this nagging, unsettled, not myself feeling.
On the way over Friday afternoon in the car, I opened up a book I have been reading off and on for six months or so. It is a great book, one of those that every time I open it, it’s as if it’s ordained for me to read the next chapter at that appointed time. The book ironically is called, “Sacred Mundane, How to Find Freedom, Purpose, and Joy”. I normally am a speed reader, and a lot of times read a book so fast I don’t retain very much from it. So, I have been purposely just reading bits and pieces of this one trying to process it as I go along.
I read and reread two chapters on the way over, it was as if every word was written just for me. One of those where half the book is highlighted. One paragraph really hit home, and I had it in the back of my mind all weekend. I was pondering it. So, I had time tonight to sit down and read both of those chapters again, and spend some quiet time thinking on these words.
The point is not to have perfect circumstances. Having all our expectations met won’t work thankfulness into us because disappointments aren’t the problem. Failing to honestly acknowledge our disappointments is the problem. We hide how we feel. Why? Out of fear. We’re afraid that by admitting something hurts, bothers, or disappoints us, we’ll be seen as weak, shallow, unspiritual, or needy. By others, by ourselves, by God. So we pretend, and often we don’t even know we’re doing it.
This is a small part of two chapters. But in a nutshell this is me, especially with God. I am afraid to admit to God if something bothers me, or disappoints me because I am afraid he will see me as shallow, and unspiritual, that he will see me as ungrateful. I AM AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH GOD. How crazy is that? Because I know he knows, it just seems wrong to admit it verbally to him. To voice it out loud.
Too often we think that thanksgiving comes by ignoring these small things. It doesn’t. True thanks comes by entering in to them honestly and discovering God is there. Finding him is what fuels our authentic thanksgiving.
I know that God has been speaking to me about being more thankful the last couple of months, but I was trying to fill that with fake thanksgiving. I need to work on being honest and finding him in the disappointments and hurts of each day and being grateful he’s there. That is where true joy begins.
Anyone else out there brave enough to admit they are afraid to be honest with God?