Bitterness Builds A Wall

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This is my third draft of this post. I have written it general, and vague, but that is not what this blog is about. It is suppose to be about being real and being more transparent. So, here goes.

Last Sunday as I was getting ready for church I was thinking about my relationship with Brett. It has been OK the last year but it hasn’t been great. As I thought about that, I admitted alot of that is my fault. I have let bitterness and jealousy build a wall between us. I have been bitter and jealous about his new job as a full time Pastor. How is that for honest? Great job as first year as a Pastor’s wife huh.

As I was getting ready I was saying, but God I have taken this to the alter many times this year. And that is a true statement. I have, but each time I walk away with it stuck to me, just like toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

I have been bitter and jealous, because he has Friday’s off and gets to spend the whole day with Bella just the two of them, having fun. He is pretty much free to make his own schedule and come and go as he pleases. I am stuck to a work schedule each day Monday through Friday. His job is different every day of the week. I do the same thing each day.

Ironically, those are our personalities. I like routine, and a schedule and knowing what I am doing. He is more go with the flow and what ever comes up. So, I know God has each of us in the right positions, some days his just looks better from my side of the fence.

So, as I was getting ready I said God I will take this to the alter this morning, and leave it there. God, spoke to my heart, and said no deal with this now. So I knelt down in my closet at my clothes hamper and prayed. I didn’t miss that I was kneeling over my dirty clothes. I was reminded of Isaiah 64:6 that our good deeds look like filthy rags to God. If that is the case, I wondered what my bad deeds of bitterness and jealousy must look like. I asked God to remove those thoughts from my heart, to tear down the walls I had build up, and help me love my husband completely again.

Later that day, I apologized to Brett. My husband is so easy going and forgiving all he said was, “Does this mean you love me again?”

I know why God had me kneel at my hamper, in my closet that morning. Because, I don’t see the alter where I knelt numerous times every day, but I see that closet and that hamper each day and am reminded to lay it down, if it starts to rear it’s head.

Bitterness is an evil thing. It must be something that God knew we would struggle with, because it is mentioned over and over again in the Bible.

Hebrews 12:15 “that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble” Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you. Acts 8:23 “For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness” Romans 3:14 “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness” Job 7:11 “I will complain in the bitterness of my soul” James 3:14 “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts”

The verses go on and on. Bitterness creeps in, you might know its there, but just like weeds if you don’t pluck it out when it first sprouts up it takes over. I knew I was jealous of Brett but I thought I could deal with it. My way of dealing with it was to let a wall go up between us.

I am not naive enough to think it will just go away, I know it is something I need to watch, and address right away if it starts to rear its ugly head. But as I step in my closet each day I am reminded, God gave me a wonderful husband, and I am one lucky wife, with a blessed life.

2 Comments on “Bitterness Builds A Wall

  1. Janet,
    This hit home for me! Even though Jerry & I are newly married, we have been together a long time. I have had bitterness & jealous come between us and thought I was right and justified me feeling because he didn’t seem to care how I was feeling. That right there just made the bitterness grow!! When we started growing with our Faith in Jesus together I was able to let it all go and leave it at the Cross or at least I thought I did. Until I read you blog today! It’s still a battle deep down inside of me! Because of your story I feel not so alone in my battle! I Love my husband! I know God has a purpose for us together & wants me to Trust in Him and my husband!! To let go of those thoughts that come between us and go to Him in prayer!! Plus to not hold my feeling & thoughts to my self but take them to Jerry & let him know so we can grow, be stronger in Faith & learn from each other!
    Thank you Janet for your blog! God is using you as an Amazing gift to us & for that I’m truly grateful! 💕

    Like

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